As I get closer to 25, I have started getting pretty angsty about where I am in life right now and whether or not it’s the right place (or at least a GOOD place) to be. A large part of my problem as I can see it is that I feel very guilty and like a glorious “might have been” for being at home with my kids. This isn’t anyone’s problem or responsibility but my own, and I need to get over it because it’s stupid. The main arguments I seem to see are that being a stay at home mom is a waste of your own potential, unfair to your husband because then he has to shoulder all the financial responsibilities, and probably not good for your kids because they start to think that the world revolves around them.
- Am I being essentially a cop out on my own potential by staying at home? This one I honestly can’t tell, because I had a pretty decent job title during the 6 months that I was working from home and was working with excellent people. It still wasn’t something that I really looked forward to doing. I loved the results but the hands on work just didn’t feel like something I was really cut out for. And if I’m not cut out for work, is that a defect in me or just a variation of normal? I think I would enjoy nursing, but mostly I enjoy reading and “pursuing wisdom” for lack of a better term. Unfortunately “living life well” is not a category recognized by the Bureau of Labor Statistics, and you don’t get earnings in dollars. I love what I do, and that makes me feel embarrassed because I feel like I “should” want to do “more” than this.
- I have so many successful working moms that I know and respect, and I get really unnerved by statements that it wouldn’t be fair to husband X if wife Y wasn’t working to contribute financially to the family. I want to be the best wife I possibly can be because I love Steve with everything that I’ve got, so statements like that tend to freak me out. Am I being unfair to Steve by not bringing in a large paycheck? If it’s fundamentally unfair on an absolute level to not bring in a paycheck, then I’m not being the wife I ought to be. That’s a very alarming possibility to contemplate and this is one I can’t write off so easily. Steve would say that it’s utter bullshit and that he doesn’t want me to work, ever. I don’t know. I just don’t know, especially since I think it puts too high an emphasis on financial earnings as a sign of self worth. No one is entitled to affluence, and the lack of affluence is not a moral failing. But I won’t be able to take vacations, enroll in extra-curriculars, or buy really nice things on a whim just because I want to give something nice to my husband or my kids.
- Am I “spoiling” my kids by having them at home with me all the time? I mean, I don’t *think* they’re spoiled. They’re very well behaved kids, and they’re with their brothers and sister all the time. They spend time with people who love them, and honestly? I’m a heck of a lot smarter than your average day care worker, and that’s an extra 50 hours per week that I have with my kids that I wouldn’t have if I were working full time. Am I just a bad mother because I NEED those extra hours? Do I just suck at scheduling “quality time”? I don’t really think you can schedule those moments, and I think that in any other work relationship you’d say that you could do a more complete job of something with 84 working hours at your disposal compared to 34. Generally speaking, you are going to get more done in 80 hours versus 30. Is the definition of what is important just different for working vs stay at home moms? I don’t want to be unfair to anyone. I just don’t get it, because if I’m spending more than twice the amount of time with my kids there has to be *some* difference there or I’m wasting time that could be better allocated elsewhere. This reason sounds the most bogus to me, especially since I am pretty sure that if I asked my kids they would rather stay at home with me and with each other than go to daycare full time where they would probably know their classmates better than their own siblings.
I don’t want to be emo here, but this is really grating on me. College worked well because I had something that has recognized value to the majority of people while I was still staying home with my kids the majority of the time, and there were fewer of them then. I want to do right by everyone in my family, and I don’t know how to reconcile this. I feel like that by the standards that suggest all women should work regardless of whether they have children, I am a “pretty clinging parasite” who piggybacks off of her husband’s success. I also feel like that my kids are being formed every hour of every day, and like it’s my responsibility to be the one ensuring that they are formed well but I can’t do that if I’m not there.
I’m very conflicted and feeling guilty about all of this. I need to feel like what I do actually has value, and I feel like I’m stuck either saying that working moms are “bad moms” or that I’m doing something that is pointless and wasteful. I don’t want to feel like my life and what I invest time in has no value. I think this is my version of a “quarter life crisis.” I just don’t feel like what I offer matters very much to anyone or is respected, and if it’s not respected either society is screwed up or I am making a gross misjudgment about what is important and it’s to the detriment of my family.
Right now it honestly seems like my only claim to respect is that I managed to give birth to 10 and 11 lb infants in a kitchen, I can bake well, my kids are well behaved and I’m a half-way decent writer. I think I’ve got a decent perspective on a varied number of topics, but I also think that in general people don’t care about what I care about or about what I think because hey… I just stay home with kids all the time. What could I possibly know? Smart women have better things to do with their time than washing diapers and mediating pre-school disputes.
I’m sorry, o blogosphere. This is just bugging the living daylights out of me and I don’t know what to think. Please don’t take this as an attack on any of you or your choices. I’m just trying to muddle through my feelings here and (as you can see) they’re a bit of a mess.
Have you thought about getting a Master’s degree and becoming a teacher at a community college or small college. The pay isn’t great, but I think you would be excellent at it. PLUS, most of the classes are in the evening so hubby can be home with munchkins while you are at class or teach. You are a very wise person and highly intelligent and you are very talented at helping others see different perspectives without making them feel small. Just what schools need.
I don’t think you should feel embarrassed about not doing “more” than you’re doing now. You are doing very important work, even if the rest of society doesn’t seem to recognize it. Just because your work doesn’t bring in a paycheck – the world’s evidence of success – doesn’t mean you are being unfair to your husband or to anyone else. You are raising his – and your – children, a task that more people should undertake instead of delegating it to other people, or things (i.e. the TV). Your children won’t be spoiled by you staying home with them or spending time with them; they need that interaction with their mother and siblings. If you want to do some other work outside of your home, then you should, finding a way to keep your children first priority. But if you do not want to work, there is no shame in that.
I’m reading a book right now in which the author quotes Alice von Hildebrand in The Privilege of Being a Woman: “One day, all human accomplishments will be reduced to a pile of ashes. But every single child to whom a woman has given birth will last forever, for he has been given an immortal soul made to God’s image and likeness.” So you are engaging in the most important work of all!
I’m not too much into leaving comments but I HAVE to say something here. I totally agree with what AB said. There is nothing more important than motherhood and raising good children.
The world today is broken. Reading the news with empathy is like joining Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane. I don’t see much hope for a renaissance of wholesome healthy values and any kind of spiritual renewal on the horizon. The best hope for our children is to give them the best foundation in their earliest years, love, security, peace, trust in God, a sense of self, and the assurance that we grownups will be there to listen, to guide, to nurture, and to help them along the way of life. Then when we send them out into the world, we at least have the consolation of knowing that we have done our best to prepare them for this troubled world at this challenging time. Hopefully then, THEY can take what they have learned and pass it on to those they meet. I think grace-filled living starts in the family and expands within small communities. Not every person will be a great leader, but it is also important to have good followers, people with wisdom and insight who can encourage the leaders along the paths of righteousness.
Part of the broken world of today, is in the myth that motherhood is somehow less important than some “out there” career. Think about it; people are killing babies in the womb so they don’t have to interrupt their careers. That is just crazy.
If you are happy staying at home with your children, then be assured that that is a noble and important place for you to be. There might come a time when your heart will tell you to do something else or to add some other endeavors to motherhood.
We have all been brainwashed to some extent by the wizards of pop culture–and unfortunately it has taken its toll on all of us. I remember when I thought that the world would just get better and better.
Now I can’t believe how fast things have deteriorated. Having more THINGS, more conveniences, and more leisure, have not made us a happier nation. Almost everyone I know is on anti-depressants. It takes someone with an altogether different world-view to point out that capitalism and materialism ALSO have their flaws. Pope John Paul II and Pope Benedict XVI have seen many different systems, none of them perfect, and they have courageously pointed out the flaws in our systems. But WE are too close to it to really SEE it.
As an educator, I was shocked when I read a book by Albert Schweitzer that suggested that perhaps it was not wise to use the European model of education in equatorial Africa. Think about it. This is what he said: “Agriculture and handicraft are the foundations of civilization. Only where that foundation exists are the conditions given for the formation and persistence of a stratum of population which can occupy itself with commercial and intellectual pursuits. But … we proceed as if not agriculture and handicraft, but reading and writing were the beginnings of civilization.” He goes on to say that those who are “educated” come to think of themselves as superior to manual work and want only to follow commercial or intellectual callings. If they are unable to procure employment in business or government, they sit about and grumble. He wrote this in the 1930’s and he was deeply concerned with the way that western civilization seemed to be decaying and how no one seemed to be noticing.
What happens if there is no food to eat (or import) or lumber to build or people to repair our cars or our plumbing? We are in the midst of economic chaos as a result of the wish of some to get rich quick with no regard for the well-being of others. Greed has become the national virtue. Television offers mean, outrageous, and crude behavior as “entertainment” and right becomes wrong and wrong becomes right. If right thinking and right acting aren’t taught at home, it certainly isn’t going to be taught and learned out in the world.
What is important is for families to decide for themselves what is best for THAT family. There are many things more important than money. I apologize for the length of this but it’s hard for me to be succinct. I’ve seen so many ragtag children trying to raise themselves in spite of parental neglect that I can’t bear to not reassure a stay-at-home mom of the importance of a role she currently enjoys. No guilt!!! Kudos and prayers for you. God bless.
I struggle with this quite a lot as well. I’m a bit older than you (35) and worked full-time until our firstborn arrived (3 years ago), and even then I thought I’d like to go back to work after a few years – so I started a Master’s degree program so I could work in a school and have the same vacation schedule as our kids. Now I’m nearly done with that program, and realize I’d rather stay home with my kids and homeschool them; but I’ve put so much time and effort into getting this degree, it seems horribly wasteful not to use it! DH is very supportive, he’d rather I stay home but he understands this is a choice I need to make for myself. Fortunately I’ve agreed that I wouldn’t go back to work under any circumstances until our youngest is at least in Kindergarten, which is still several years away – but I struggle with the decision so much! I think society puts far too much emphasis on a mother’s career outside the home, without acknowledging that there is nothing wrong with being a full-time wife and mother. I know we would have more money if I went back to work, but at the same time I would surely be more stressed as I’d have less time to take care of the house, less time to spend with the kids, and many other stressors…