1. Gain more weight. Global warming seems to be a dubious concept at this point, so bulking up is probably a good idea. So, eat more and exercise less.
2. Procrastinate more. Never accomplish today what you could reasonably put off until tomorrow. Or next week. Or next month.
3. Spend more money. You might wreck your finances, but save the economy. No greater love is there than this: to lay down one’s credit card to bolster a sagging economy.
4. Get a worse paying, less meaningful job. This should make you feel less guilty about keeping to Resolution 2, and when taken with Resolution 3 should make you eat more, thus enhancing your success with Resolution 1.
5. Be less nice to people. Be a jerk: because you’re worth it.
I will post actual New Years Resolutions later. Have a great day, everyone!